Dear God

Our church group is about to begin a month-long study called "Dear God". It's an opportunity to write out all those questions you want to ask God, send them in to our pastor and then go through them and see what Scripture says about them.

The other day our pastor and I were talking about the series, and I began thinking about what would I ask God if I could ask Him anything right now...

It feels as though if you have an opportunity to ask God a question, it should be a question worthy of Him, if such a thing exists...

I can think of tons of questions about eschatology, about life, about Scripture, or about life and why I can seem to remember nearly every conversation I've had with every person I've ever met, but can't remember where I parked my car, or how to get around the town I've lived in my entire life... but those just didn't seem to be fitting of His time.

Then tonight... I sat and let my mind wander.

Flipping through Scripture. Letting my eyes wander across the page...

I landed here:
"Teach me your way , O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; Give me an undivided heart that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O LORD my God, with all my heart..." Psalm 86:11

And I realized what I would ask.

Why me?

Why?

We know that ALL good things come only through You, and You chose me. You opened my heart, opened my eyes, formed me lovingly... all knowing I would fail.

You chose me to know You. You chose me. You still choose to choose me.

I don't know that I would choose me.

I hate that I know I dissapoint You...

I hate that I want to do things that I know are wrong.

I hate that I am so divided.

I hate that I want so much of this world when I know it's all temporary...

Give me a pure heart Lord, I pray!

So why me? Why do you look at me and smile? Why do you love me so much that you would send your ONLY son to die for MY sins. For my selfishiness, for my vanity, for my pride, for all the sins I am and will commit. For all the sins I will commit AFTER having read how You feel about them. Why...

It blows my mind you love me... It blows my mind you choose me. So my question would be, why?

Why did you choose me? Why do you still choose me? Why do you allow me to serve You when You know better than I do that You don't need me...

You know I love You, Abba... that I am nothing with You. You know that I try so hard to serve You in the way You deserve, but fall painfully, horrificly short... You know I can never do enough or be enough for You, and yet despite all my shortcomings you still love me more than I can even understand... You still care enough to form my fingers, my ears, my eyes... to make just one thing different about me, knowing I would hate it while growing up, but also knowing full well what my Mom would tell me about it to make me feel so loved by not just her, but more importantly by You... to know the number of hairs on my head at any given moments in time... to provide for me... even to bless me so greatly... You made me uniquely different from every other person on this planet. You gave me eyes to see, and hands to serve. And I didn't do a single thing to deserve any of it.

Why do You love me so much? Why do Why do you forgive me so much? Why do you give us sunsets, the ocean, sweet moments of fellowship, family, friends, and daffodills?

Why?

Why did you make us knowing we would dissapoint You?

Why do you never give up on me?

Why?

I'd say thank you, but it's never enough... And I praise You Father, but even that I can't do in a mannar worthy of You! Your Grace, Your Power and Your Love are all beyond anything I can possibly ever understand in my humanity...

I love you, but sometimes I still can't help but to wonder why you love me back...

Sometimes I still wonder why you still choose me.

Sometimes I wonder...

Why me, Abba?