tonight...

Tonight, I stood at my front door looking out, my fingertips barely touching the glass as I watched the car drive away.

My thoughts wandered...

Lately God has been teaching me so much.

Stretching me further than I thought I could go, taking me places I never thought He would take me, and pulling me closer to Him.

This has been an amazing year and I'm so thankful for every second of it. For all of the good, all of the bad.. for all of the things I've struggled through, and for all of the things I've rejoyced in.

I'm grateful... the Lord has used every second of it - every moment - to draw me closer to Him and to show me a part of Him I've never seen before.

It's just as He's promised.

I'm so grateful...

As I stood preparing for a new morning to wake me tomorrow, I thought about...

At this time: I've learned that I take on too much. And I definitely took on too much this summer. I didn't prayerfully consider what the Lord wanted me to take on, until I reached the point where I just couldn't give one hundred percent any more. I constantly demanded perfection of myself, and then struggled to understand my frustration I so consistently felt when I continually failed to be all that I was demanding. Then the Lord drew me to a place where I saw my flaws so clearly, fell on my knees, and then the Lord took my hand and showed me His way, His calendar, His priorities. I also learned through this that I have an amazing boyfriend that not only put up with me while I walked through this lesson, but has unknowingly encouraged me countless times while I learned it...

A confession: I want to savor every moment, but I'm afraid that sometimes my desire to fast forward life just a little so that I can know what the 'next step' for me is stops me from doing that. I pray I can savor and cherish this time in my life without wondering what is next...

My life: To seek after God whole-heartedly, to love Him more, to seek His face in everything. In every moment, every second, every breath... I want to know Him better, I want to know Him more intimately, I want to be a woman that makes Him proud. I want to stand before Him one day and hear Him say "well done". I want to Glorify Him in life and death and forevermore.

A thought: It's funny how my life is nothing like I pictured it would be, but God has made it so much sweeter, so much richer, and so much fuller. My life is far from being perfect, BUT it's been an amazing thing to see how He has used it for His glory and in countless ways that I never would have thought or even could have imagined...

A conclusion: I know the Lord has me firmly in the grip of His hand. He holds me so tightly that He'll never let me go. I love Him more than anything, more than anyone... And His name is written in me... lest I ever forget.

This I know

Tonight I feel displaced.

And it's aggravating.

I just don't know...
I just don't.

Sitting here in this peaceful house alone I take a deep breath.

Lately I feel like I come up short constantly.

I can't be fast enough, smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, skilled enough, trained enough...

I just can't be enough.

And yet as I breath in and pause.

I know that at all times

at all times

at all times

I can choose to say "I trust you Lord" and give it all up to Him. I can CHOOSE to say it... AND to believe it.

At all times He is trustworty.

At all times He is Truth.

At all times He is Sovereign.

I know this it truth. I know that He's truth. I know that He has a plan. And I know that without Him I am nothing, but for some reason He uses me. He CHOOSES to use me and is pleased to do so. And just me is more than enough for Him. Flawed, sinful, scared, people pleaser me. For some reason He chose to give up His life because He thinks I'm enough.

Amazing.

These are things I DO know.

So in the meantime... while I sit here and wonder. While I sit and pray. While I sit alone with Him. I do know some wonderful, amazing things...

And I know He will guide me to a place to where I DO KNOW the answers to the silent questions tonight I quietly sit with alone. In His timing, He will answer the silent questions of my heart, and fill my soul with His Presence...