Feeling the blessing...

Tonight...

I'm feeling my blessings.

Honestly, most of today I was painfully self-aware of my shortcomings. I messed up a few little things and then beat myself up most of the day for them. I regret it, because I could have turned it around, but instead I just let them hang over me... I let perfectionism reign.

Some days I let my insecurity reach in, take hold of me and take over.

I let my emotion and every insecurity I choose to let in become my King.
They are NOT my King.

And I will not let them rule over me.

I am painfully flawed to the core. Lost without my Savior.

But I HAVE BEEN REDEEMED.
And tonight one text message struck me to the core...
It was simple, short, and life giving.
Words meant just for me... Words that encouraged and touched me so deeply that they sent tears tracing their way down my face.

And I'm forever grateful to the sender of the message, because though this was in no way their intention with the message in less than ten words they are who reminded me...

That today I let those things come in. I let them take hold of me. And I let myself become saturated in them.

But no more...
I am not the product of my shortcomings... Rather I belong to my Savior, and my identity is in Him.

And tomorrow is a new day.
The Lord gives us a new morning every day...

And tomorrow is Monday and I'm thankful for a new day, a new week...

Tomorrow is time enough for a fresh perspective, a fresh outlook, and a fresh beginning...

Time enough for a new start, new day, and new time.

It's time enough for a new beginning.

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Tonight I'm thankful for...
-sweet words of encouragement
-a godly boyfriend who goes out of his way to make soup for me when I'm sick, help drag furniture across the city, is always there when I need him, and is always willing to go do nearly anything with me... or just sit and do nothing with me... he's brought so much to my life and I'm so thankful for him.
-a great church that cares more about being Christ-centered than anything
-friends and family...
-an amazing LifeGroup
-a place to serve
-fresh beginning and fresh starts...
More to come...

Mrs. Patty

Even on the worst of days Mrs. Patty could make things better.

Running late, feeling tense, she never failed to bring peace.

She has the best sense of humor, the prettiest smile and the grace of a woman who has truly lived.

She is wise with Grace.

And her sweet words touch me always.

Even now...

As I hugged her tight today and whispered I'm sorry for the loss of her husband, tears threatened to brim over...

I never knew him, but just knowing her is enough to make my heart ache for her...

She holds me tight and pulls me back so that we're eye to eye and says "you know you are so special to me."

It touched me to the very core of my soul.

I was there to serve her and yet I walked away feeling like I'm the one who was served.

In that second when she said what she did it struck me and it's if everything stood still for a minute...

God loves us.

God loves me.

I know this is true, but sometimes I let my heart neglect to feel that truth.

... there's a difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. Heart knowledge MUST come from and root from the head knowledge, but there's something about those moments when both your head AND your heart know the truth.

He loves us.

He loves me.

That's all I need.

It's as though the Lord surprised me with a small gift today just to remind me that He loves me.

Don't you love it when that happens? The Lord isn't required to give us tangible reminders of His love, but like any silly girl I'm touched in every way when it happens. Just like when any flawed, sinful human gives flowers, a handwritten note, a gift, compliments... reminders that they were thinking of you. Reminders that they love you. They desire to do that for you for no reason besides that.


It speaks volumes because well, sometimes in grind of the day to day we start to forget and we start to wonder.


But God... God doesn't need to do that.


He could dictate everything without an ounce of love toward us and He would still stand as the One true living God. He doesn't NEED to remind us of His love, because His Word says it's true... That makes it all the more amazing that He cares enough to remind us because we all know it's not about us...


Really it's about me and about us glorifying Him and representing Him WELL in everything.


That's what she did.


That's what she lives.



Mrs. Patty knows WHO she represents. She knows the Lord loves her... And it's evident in everything she does. Everything she says. And everyone around her knows it.



She represents that kind of beauty and grace to me.



She's the type of woman I aspire to be.



Thank you Mrs. Patty...

Prayer

Today I was thinking...

How often do I neglect to just be still before the Lord.

How often do I choose to not spend time in prayer with Him?

Some days my world is rocked with the noise and thunder of chaos quickly followed by the lightening of the busy.

I choose to let it rain on my day.

God has blessed me much more than I deserve by not taking away my perspective and by not letting me lose sight of Him, but far too often I carry things that aren't mine to carry...

The rain should be cleansing, not building residue on my soul.

But most often the storm weighs because I neglect to spend time alone with Him.

I neglect to spend intentional quiet time focused on Him, in conversation with Him, in praise of Him.

I may say a million little prayers throughout the day, but somehow it's just different than when at the beginning of my day I begin with praise. When I begin it with just sitting with Him over a bowl of cereal. Just me and Him for a little while.

It changes everything.

This week - by no strength of my own - I've been intentional about getting time with Him alone - time in addition to time in the Word, in addition to Bible study, in addition to worship. Just time sitting alone in prayer with the Lord.

It's been amazing. And I've been so grateful for it.

Father I pray you keep me in this place that You've brought me to where I intentionally spend time with you...

Pray for me and that I'll stay in this place...

And I'll be praying that you are too...

Psalm 62:1
For God alone my soul waits in silence; from Him comes my salvation.

Transition

Sometimes things don't feel permament.

Do you know that feeling?

When everything and everyone important in your life just doesn't feel solid. It feels like it could all slip out of your fingertips and come crashing to the floor in a second?

I hate it.

I love possibilities, ideas, and opportunities... but at the same time even though it doesn't make sense just the very thought of change makes my stomach churn and my mind prone to wander...

When I find something I like and am comfortable with part of me just wants to cling to the familiar. I don't want to trade in the old tattered blanket for the new. I want to keep my old faded blue jeans. I want to things to stay.

I guess like the feeling of the known.

I like feeling known.

I like knowing where I stand, where I'm going and where I am.

Transitional just isn't fun for me... It's a struggle.

But my God... my God is bigger than the transition.

He's bigger than the feeling of not knowing where or when or how or why.

He tells me to follow Him... and maybe not by sight this time.

Just like Abram... The Lord didn't tell him where to go, how to go... He wasn't specific. He said leave and Abram left.

That's where I need to be.

And that's where I want to be.

I know I'm safe in His arms. My Father who loves me, holds me... I'm constantly in the arms of the One who knows me and loves me far more than anyone else on this earth possibly could; and He holds time in His hands...

And that's why I can sleep in peace. That's what calms my heart and sooths my mind.

Because I'm not alone in the transition. Rather the transition is held by the same One who holds me in His hand.

Behind the eyes

Behind the big brown eyes...

Behind the desk...

Behind the counter at Starbucks...

And behind the checkout line at Albertons.

Behind the car going ridiculously slow on the freeway when you are in a rush...

Behind the mean exterior...

There is a person.

Just like me, and just like you.

Sometimes I forget.

I forget the people...

I hate that I forget that sometimes...

Jesus never forget the people. He doesn't forget me, and He doesn't forget you.

He remembers us always. He cherishes us always. He loves us always.

He sees behind our eyes, into our hearts that betray Him daily, and still...

He remembers us as His children... as being HIS.

Lord, help me to remember that my hope that comes only from You can be shown to them because of Your love, Your truth and Your mercy...

You'll use me if I just get out of the way...

Help me to remember...

tonight...

Tonight, I stood at my front door looking out, my fingertips barely touching the glass as I watched the car drive away.

My thoughts wandered...

Lately God has been teaching me so much.

Stretching me further than I thought I could go, taking me places I never thought He would take me, and pulling me closer to Him.

This has been an amazing year and I'm so thankful for every second of it. For all of the good, all of the bad.. for all of the things I've struggled through, and for all of the things I've rejoyced in.

I'm grateful... the Lord has used every second of it - every moment - to draw me closer to Him and to show me a part of Him I've never seen before.

It's just as He's promised.

I'm so grateful...

As I stood preparing for a new morning to wake me tomorrow, I thought about...

At this time: I've learned that I take on too much. And I definitely took on too much this summer. I didn't prayerfully consider what the Lord wanted me to take on, until I reached the point where I just couldn't give one hundred percent any more. I constantly demanded perfection of myself, and then struggled to understand my frustration I so consistently felt when I continually failed to be all that I was demanding. Then the Lord drew me to a place where I saw my flaws so clearly, fell on my knees, and then the Lord took my hand and showed me His way, His calendar, His priorities. I also learned through this that I have an amazing boyfriend that not only put up with me while I walked through this lesson, but has unknowingly encouraged me countless times while I learned it...

A confession: I want to savor every moment, but I'm afraid that sometimes my desire to fast forward life just a little so that I can know what the 'next step' for me is stops me from doing that. I pray I can savor and cherish this time in my life without wondering what is next...

My life: To seek after God whole-heartedly, to love Him more, to seek His face in everything. In every moment, every second, every breath... I want to know Him better, I want to know Him more intimately, I want to be a woman that makes Him proud. I want to stand before Him one day and hear Him say "well done". I want to Glorify Him in life and death and forevermore.

A thought: It's funny how my life is nothing like I pictured it would be, but God has made it so much sweeter, so much richer, and so much fuller. My life is far from being perfect, BUT it's been an amazing thing to see how He has used it for His glory and in countless ways that I never would have thought or even could have imagined...

A conclusion: I know the Lord has me firmly in the grip of His hand. He holds me so tightly that He'll never let me go. I love Him more than anything, more than anyone... And His name is written in me... lest I ever forget.

This I know

Tonight I feel displaced.

And it's aggravating.

I just don't know...
I just don't.

Sitting here in this peaceful house alone I take a deep breath.

Lately I feel like I come up short constantly.

I can't be fast enough, smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, skilled enough, trained enough...

I just can't be enough.

And yet as I breath in and pause.

I know that at all times

at all times

at all times

I can choose to say "I trust you Lord" and give it all up to Him. I can CHOOSE to say it... AND to believe it.

At all times He is trustworty.

At all times He is Truth.

At all times He is Sovereign.

I know this it truth. I know that He's truth. I know that He has a plan. And I know that without Him I am nothing, but for some reason He uses me. He CHOOSES to use me and is pleased to do so. And just me is more than enough for Him. Flawed, sinful, scared, people pleaser me. For some reason He chose to give up His life because He thinks I'm enough.

Amazing.

These are things I DO know.

So in the meantime... while I sit here and wonder. While I sit and pray. While I sit alone with Him. I do know some wonderful, amazing things...

And I know He will guide me to a place to where I DO KNOW the answers to the silent questions tonight I quietly sit with alone. In His timing, He will answer the silent questions of my heart, and fill my soul with His Presence...