Mrs. Patty

Even on the worst of days Mrs. Patty could make things better.

Running late, feeling tense, she never failed to bring peace.

She has the best sense of humor, the prettiest smile and the grace of a woman who has truly lived.

She is wise with Grace.

And her sweet words touch me always.

Even now...

As I hugged her tight today and whispered I'm sorry for the loss of her husband, tears threatened to brim over...

I never knew him, but just knowing her is enough to make my heart ache for her...

She holds me tight and pulls me back so that we're eye to eye and says "you know you are so special to me."

It touched me to the very core of my soul.

I was there to serve her and yet I walked away feeling like I'm the one who was served.

In that second when she said what she did it struck me and it's if everything stood still for a minute...

God loves us.

God loves me.

I know this is true, but sometimes I let my heart neglect to feel that truth.

... there's a difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. Heart knowledge MUST come from and root from the head knowledge, but there's something about those moments when both your head AND your heart know the truth.

He loves us.

He loves me.

That's all I need.

It's as though the Lord surprised me with a small gift today just to remind me that He loves me.

Don't you love it when that happens? The Lord isn't required to give us tangible reminders of His love, but like any silly girl I'm touched in every way when it happens. Just like when any flawed, sinful human gives flowers, a handwritten note, a gift, compliments... reminders that they were thinking of you. Reminders that they love you. They desire to do that for you for no reason besides that.


It speaks volumes because well, sometimes in grind of the day to day we start to forget and we start to wonder.


But God... God doesn't need to do that.


He could dictate everything without an ounce of love toward us and He would still stand as the One true living God. He doesn't NEED to remind us of His love, because His Word says it's true... That makes it all the more amazing that He cares enough to remind us because we all know it's not about us...


Really it's about me and about us glorifying Him and representing Him WELL in everything.


That's what she did.


That's what she lives.



Mrs. Patty knows WHO she represents. She knows the Lord loves her... And it's evident in everything she does. Everything she says. And everyone around her knows it.



She represents that kind of beauty and grace to me.



She's the type of woman I aspire to be.



Thank you Mrs. Patty...

Prayer

Today I was thinking...

How often do I neglect to just be still before the Lord.

How often do I choose to not spend time in prayer with Him?

Some days my world is rocked with the noise and thunder of chaos quickly followed by the lightening of the busy.

I choose to let it rain on my day.

God has blessed me much more than I deserve by not taking away my perspective and by not letting me lose sight of Him, but far too often I carry things that aren't mine to carry...

The rain should be cleansing, not building residue on my soul.

But most often the storm weighs because I neglect to spend time alone with Him.

I neglect to spend intentional quiet time focused on Him, in conversation with Him, in praise of Him.

I may say a million little prayers throughout the day, but somehow it's just different than when at the beginning of my day I begin with praise. When I begin it with just sitting with Him over a bowl of cereal. Just me and Him for a little while.

It changes everything.

This week - by no strength of my own - I've been intentional about getting time with Him alone - time in addition to time in the Word, in addition to Bible study, in addition to worship. Just time sitting alone in prayer with the Lord.

It's been amazing. And I've been so grateful for it.

Father I pray you keep me in this place that You've brought me to where I intentionally spend time with you...

Pray for me and that I'll stay in this place...

And I'll be praying that you are too...

Psalm 62:1
For God alone my soul waits in silence; from Him comes my salvation.

Transition

Sometimes things don't feel permament.

Do you know that feeling?

When everything and everyone important in your life just doesn't feel solid. It feels like it could all slip out of your fingertips and come crashing to the floor in a second?

I hate it.

I love possibilities, ideas, and opportunities... but at the same time even though it doesn't make sense just the very thought of change makes my stomach churn and my mind prone to wander...

When I find something I like and am comfortable with part of me just wants to cling to the familiar. I don't want to trade in the old tattered blanket for the new. I want to keep my old faded blue jeans. I want to things to stay.

I guess like the feeling of the known.

I like feeling known.

I like knowing where I stand, where I'm going and where I am.

Transitional just isn't fun for me... It's a struggle.

But my God... my God is bigger than the transition.

He's bigger than the feeling of not knowing where or when or how or why.

He tells me to follow Him... and maybe not by sight this time.

Just like Abram... The Lord didn't tell him where to go, how to go... He wasn't specific. He said leave and Abram left.

That's where I need to be.

And that's where I want to be.

I know I'm safe in His arms. My Father who loves me, holds me... I'm constantly in the arms of the One who knows me and loves me far more than anyone else on this earth possibly could; and He holds time in His hands...

And that's why I can sleep in peace. That's what calms my heart and sooths my mind.

Because I'm not alone in the transition. Rather the transition is held by the same One who holds me in His hand.

Behind the eyes

Behind the big brown eyes...

Behind the desk...

Behind the counter at Starbucks...

And behind the checkout line at Albertons.

Behind the car going ridiculously slow on the freeway when you are in a rush...

Behind the mean exterior...

There is a person.

Just like me, and just like you.

Sometimes I forget.

I forget the people...

I hate that I forget that sometimes...

Jesus never forget the people. He doesn't forget me, and He doesn't forget you.

He remembers us always. He cherishes us always. He loves us always.

He sees behind our eyes, into our hearts that betray Him daily, and still...

He remembers us as His children... as being HIS.

Lord, help me to remember that my hope that comes only from You can be shown to them because of Your love, Your truth and Your mercy...

You'll use me if I just get out of the way...

Help me to remember...

tonight...

Tonight, I stood at my front door looking out, my fingertips barely touching the glass as I watched the car drive away.

My thoughts wandered...

Lately God has been teaching me so much.

Stretching me further than I thought I could go, taking me places I never thought He would take me, and pulling me closer to Him.

This has been an amazing year and I'm so thankful for every second of it. For all of the good, all of the bad.. for all of the things I've struggled through, and for all of the things I've rejoyced in.

I'm grateful... the Lord has used every second of it - every moment - to draw me closer to Him and to show me a part of Him I've never seen before.

It's just as He's promised.

I'm so grateful...

As I stood preparing for a new morning to wake me tomorrow, I thought about...

At this time: I've learned that I take on too much. And I definitely took on too much this summer. I didn't prayerfully consider what the Lord wanted me to take on, until I reached the point where I just couldn't give one hundred percent any more. I constantly demanded perfection of myself, and then struggled to understand my frustration I so consistently felt when I continually failed to be all that I was demanding. Then the Lord drew me to a place where I saw my flaws so clearly, fell on my knees, and then the Lord took my hand and showed me His way, His calendar, His priorities. I also learned through this that I have an amazing boyfriend that not only put up with me while I walked through this lesson, but has unknowingly encouraged me countless times while I learned it...

A confession: I want to savor every moment, but I'm afraid that sometimes my desire to fast forward life just a little so that I can know what the 'next step' for me is stops me from doing that. I pray I can savor and cherish this time in my life without wondering what is next...

My life: To seek after God whole-heartedly, to love Him more, to seek His face in everything. In every moment, every second, every breath... I want to know Him better, I want to know Him more intimately, I want to be a woman that makes Him proud. I want to stand before Him one day and hear Him say "well done". I want to Glorify Him in life and death and forevermore.

A thought: It's funny how my life is nothing like I pictured it would be, but God has made it so much sweeter, so much richer, and so much fuller. My life is far from being perfect, BUT it's been an amazing thing to see how He has used it for His glory and in countless ways that I never would have thought or even could have imagined...

A conclusion: I know the Lord has me firmly in the grip of His hand. He holds me so tightly that He'll never let me go. I love Him more than anything, more than anyone... And His name is written in me... lest I ever forget.

This I know

Tonight I feel displaced.

And it's aggravating.

I just don't know...
I just don't.

Sitting here in this peaceful house alone I take a deep breath.

Lately I feel like I come up short constantly.

I can't be fast enough, smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, skilled enough, trained enough...

I just can't be enough.

And yet as I breath in and pause.

I know that at all times

at all times

at all times

I can choose to say "I trust you Lord" and give it all up to Him. I can CHOOSE to say it... AND to believe it.

At all times He is trustworty.

At all times He is Truth.

At all times He is Sovereign.

I know this it truth. I know that He's truth. I know that He has a plan. And I know that without Him I am nothing, but for some reason He uses me. He CHOOSES to use me and is pleased to do so. And just me is more than enough for Him. Flawed, sinful, scared, people pleaser me. For some reason He chose to give up His life because He thinks I'm enough.

Amazing.

These are things I DO know.

So in the meantime... while I sit here and wonder. While I sit and pray. While I sit alone with Him. I do know some wonderful, amazing things...

And I know He will guide me to a place to where I DO KNOW the answers to the silent questions tonight I quietly sit with alone. In His timing, He will answer the silent questions of my heart, and fill my soul with His Presence...

These are the days...

The other day Jason and I were figuring out how many kids I've taught swimming lessons.

Here's what I figure...
-I taught all morning sessions when I was 17, 18 and 19. Then when I was 20 I taugh full-time so morning, evening and private lessons when I was 20, 21 and 22. When I was 23, 24, and now - 25 I've taught private lessons just as a side job.

- So the summers I was 17-19 - I had about 32 kids a session not including private lessons. 32 kids times four sessions is 128 kids a summer. 128 times 3 summers is 384 kids taught again not including private lessons.

- Then the summers I was 20-22 I taught seven classes a day. Seven times 8 is 72 kids a session, times four sessions... I taught roughly 288 kids a summer. 288 times three summers is 864 kids taught, not including private lessons.

- So in just group lessons I have taught roughly 1,152 kids in swimming lessons.

And right now, for the first time ever, I have a child who I simply think I cannot teach a thing.

I don't think there is such thing as an 'unteachable' child. I've taught kids with autism, kids with disabilities, kids with insane fears of water... but this one is different.

This one has every ability to learn - he is smart, he is physically able, he is a fast learner - when he wants to learn, but he is also absolutely the most stubborn child I have ever met in my life.

He just doesn't want to do it. He doesn't want to learn.

And because of that my capability to do anything with him is limited to teaching him very very little.

It's the most frustrating thing in the world to want to equip this child with something that will help him, that he would probably have so much fun with, and that he would probably excel in, but he just refuses to do so.

This morning while I was doing my Bible study I began thinking about how a lot of times a lot of us are just like this little boy I'm trying to teach... God has a world of things He'll do through us, that He will allow us to be a part of, but we just refuse to let Him. We want what we want when we want to. We get focused on what WE WANT, or what we think we should do and we leave Him out of the picture. We miss out on so much because we dig in our heals and simply refuse to get out of our ourselves. We sit on the corner of the pool refusing to put our toe in four feet of water because we don't want to. Or we don't trust Him to teach us, or we don't want to start in the four foot - we want to be in the twenty foot, or we just want to remain in three feet of water because we can stand there - we're comfortable there.

Whatever our reasons are we get in a position of refusing to let Him teach us, refusing to let Him guide us, refusing to simply trust Him, put down our nets and follow Him.

And because the Lord we serve allows our free will He doesn't force us to swim in the four foot, and because of that we absolutely limit what He will use us for. We miss out on a whole lot becuase we wind up chilling out in the three feet of comfort we've limited ourselves to, or end up squirming on the side of the four foot because we refuse to let Him take us in there. We'll follow Him to side, but won't get in.

Today, I know I want to become more teachable. I want to be willing to get out of myself and follow Him to wherever He wants. I want to be set-apart for Him - not set-apart because I refuse to trust Him and move forward...

I pray God will always keep me in a place where I'm teachable, where even if I'm scared I'm moving toward Him... whatever it takes I pray that I will stay in a place where I'm constantly moving further and deeper with Him...

Living a Cross-Centered Life

Today I feel like writing a different kind of post than I have in the past...

Monday, I went to coffee with a friend and had such a great time! We talked about a ton of things, but one thing was something I had recently been a little concerned about. It was funny because I had been thinking about it, but wasn't going to talk to anyone about it because it wasn't a big deal, but it just happened to come up in conversation and it turns out she had 'been there done that' and allevited EVERYTHING I had been concerned about! The funny thing is, I hadn't realized I had been concerned about it as much as I had been until the concern was gone and the weight was lifted from me. Only then was it that I realized how much it had been affecting me.

On my way home I was praying over the night and for forgiveness for being WORRIED about the things I was when I know that's sinful and I shouldn't be, and it dawned on me (God revealed?!) how recently I have been both overanalyzing life and taking myself way too seriously! It's not as though I haven't been myself; it's just that the past two weeks or so I guess I have been a more subdued or cautious version of myself... and I have definitely been spending more time than I should thinking about what I said or didn't say, or how I should say certain things, and if I made things look just the right way, or even if I looked just right... I was just worrying about the most unimportant, superficial things in the world, but in that moment they would become some of the most important things in the world to me. Sinful I know!

And because of it, instead of just really enjoying the moment I am in; I had been constantly thinking about the next moment and about how to keep it here.

Instead of just staying completely focused on Christ and remembering that He is in control of everything so I don't need to worry about anything, I had slowly been taking bits and pieces of things and trying to take them on on my own. As if that's something I could even handle!

So this week, I have put myself back into His hands entirely and it has been so wonderful. It's the best place in the world to be. I have been feeling so blessed lately, but now the blessing is richer and fuller because I'm not clinging to the edges of something that isn't mine to cling to!

The joy you can find in Christ is truly unlike any other! "For the joy of the Lord is your strength" - Nehemiah 8:10

Tying into this, a few weeks ago, Jason loaned me C.J. Mahaney's, Cross-Centered Life. I wound up sitting and reading the entire thing cover-to-cover in the British Library while I had a few hours to kill while waiting for Katie to come back from Cambridge.

It was definitely a 'God-thing' that I had that book with me, because honestly I was in a pretty awful mood when I finally made it to the library. I was just so overwhelmed, tired, hungry and emotional... and I didn't have a clue what I was doing or where I was going! I was all for the adventure until my cabbie dropped me off and I went by TWO coffee/ tea houses, only to find out they were all so full there wasn't even a single seat open anywhere! It definitely threw my plans off to say the least!

Anyways, once I settled in at the library, I wrote down a few quotes from the book, and one of them has really been coming back to me over and over since I read it.

Mahaney writes: "In the last week, what was your primary preoccupation in life? What was your spiritual focus? Was it on that spot where God most reveals His personal love for you - the cross? Or was it on your own circumstances, your own condition, your own concerns? Was your preoccupation with your personal pursuit of godliness? Growth in godliness must be pursued, but never apart from joyful gratitude for the cross." ~ page 106

I think Mahaney said a lot of dead on things in that book, but this quote is in particularly true. Our preoccuption needs to be with our personal pursuit of godliness. We need to have a Cross-centered life.

It's the best place you can be! I have challenged myself this week to really focus on making sure that my life is centered on the Cross, and entirely on the Lord like it is supposed to be. And second to that, I'm challenging myself to live in the moment, to shake off all the remnant of worry and concern I've been clinging to that isn't mine to carry... and to hand all of that off to the Lord... I'm excited to take on each day with this refreshed perspective!

The Lord has been faithful and gracious in more and better ways than I ever could have asked for, so I can't wait to see what He brings about next and to strive to go further and deeper with Him over the next few weeks!

Choices and change...

A few days ago I sat at the piano, and lay my fingers lightly on the familiar keys.

How long has it been since I sat here?

I love to play. But a long time ago I decided it wasn't something I did for other people... it wasn't something I wanted to do for everyone. And now it's not something I usually do with a purpose in mind. It's something I do alone. When the house is empty and the music alone can fill the quiet air...

It's then that I sing along with the simple melodies I play...

It's then I release my fear, my pain, my tears, my insecurities, my praise, my hope, and my dreams.

When it's just me and the Lord.

I love to sing Psalms, to pray the words out loud...

This time, I sat and look at my fingers laying on the keys for a few moments, because for the first time in a while I wasn't sure I knew where to begin.

My fingers touch the keys lightly at first, clumsy.

But as the time went by the more comfortable it felt. The more familiar...

... the more familiar and comfortable I felt, the more I opened up... I became more excited, more passionate, more alive.

Change has been surrounding me the past few months. But it's not so uncomfortable and scary anymore.

Sometimes I'm still... unsure of where I stand, of what I'm doing, or even if I'm enough... Why is it we want to be affirmed so constantly when we are feeling unsure?

As though we should feel unsure to begin with. Christ is all we need. He is our All in All. He is the Alpha and Omega, and our Beginning and End.

No matter what, our hope lies in Him, "and we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).

I'm so grateful that we serve a Lord who chooses to love us like He does. I think love is a choice and though it may be controversial to say - I think it is as much a constant, conscious choice as it is an active feeling. And though I suppose it could be argued that it would be against His character to not love us, I do think the Lord has chosen to redeem us, to save us from what we deserve... He could have left us in Eden and with our consequences for what we chose... but instead chose to send His only son to save us, because He loves us - because "He so loved the world" (John 3:16).

And because of that, because of Him, I can stand firm with hope.

And my music becomes more sure, and I can play with confidence - even for a million people - because I know He is all I need.

Two months...

I'm going to just assume you are going to grow tired of reading my excuses for not updating as I type them, so I'm going to just dive right on in as if nothing ever happened and hope that's okay!

I can hardly believe that today is March 1.

Where did the past two months go?!

I'm not even sure how I would or even could wrap up the past two months of my life anyways... so much has happened! Maybe one day I can go back and cover it, but in the meantime...

Lately... I haven't been able to capture my thoughts into words very easily. It's unusual for me.

I'm stumbling over my thoughts, my words...

Although lately time has been flying by so quickly; for now time is moving slowly, and my thoughts come more easily. And even if it is just for this moment I am grateful.

I think that most of us don't look enough for moments to be grateful. Don't thank the Lord enough for what He has done in our life and for the things He continues to do.

This morning I had a great conversation with a lady I work with. We talked about how great it is to be in a place in life where you just trust God will take care of everything. When you KNOW without a doubt that He is in the good (we know all good things come from Him), in the "bad", in the confusing, the unknown and the known. He's in everything. You can be content that even when things don't look like they are going our way it doesn't matter, because God has a plan bigger than our perspective. Bigger than us.

I don't ever want to be without that trust in Him. I don't want to be in a place where I'm not putting Him first, where I lose focus of what and who Christ is in my life. I don't want to EVER put anything or anyone above Him.

And the Lord has been teaching me so much lately which has been making my trust in Him and His plans grow even more...

One of the things I have been learning more and more lately is about what it means to really savor a moment.

I think so much that sometimes it is hard for me to just sit and be still... To just be still and know He is God. To know that the moment I'm in is from Him, and He is in control in all things even when I'm not. Sometimes it is difficult for me to just sit back and enjoy where I am at.

Lately, I have had so much to be thankful for. I'm so grateful that I have been blessed with so many moments that are better than what I could have ever imagined...

Today I am thankful... for spring around the corner, for a sweet, healthy, beautiful niece, a wonderful family, work that lately challenges me more often than not, for new friendships and old, for moments that both excite and scare me, for learning to go deeper still with Christ, and most of all for a God who covers the gaps.

I'm thankful for every moment - good or bad that is still to come.

And for moments where He continues to remind me to just be still and know that He is God.